Any Idea Will Do

Dear Austin's Acre,

I woke up the other morning with a great idea. I couldn't go back to sleep so I got up, fixed some coffee, and wrote down the idea on paper. I called a friend of mine who was able to sell my idea for millions of dollars and now I'm happier than I've ever been.

I don't know where this idea came from but I'd like more. I want to be richer and happier.

Any ideas?

Signed,

Fresh Out of Ideas.



Dear Idea Man (or Woman...it is hard to tell from your penmanship (or penwomanship, whichever the case may be),

Let me begin by offering a service. In the future, should you have a brilliant idea in the middle of the night, call me. Do not wake up and make coffee and write the idea down. This might wake someone in your house and you might make people mad. Instead, pick up the bedside phone and spend time outlining the details of your idea. I will act as a filter and scribe, ensuring happiness in your home and money in my pocket. By the way, what is the number of your friend who sold your first idea?

Now, on to your question: Where did the idea come from? There are at least three possibilities.

1. Pixies. Yes, that is right. Idea Pixies. I hear many of my faithful readers (all three of you) scoffing right now. But it is a proven fact, very much like Santa, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy, that Idea Pixies visit good little boys and girls every night and whisper good ideas in their ears. How else can you explain the personal computer, silly putty, and satellite TV? Bad little boys and girls also receive whispered ideas but those are usually terrible ideas, meant as a punishment for misbehavior. Prime examples of this devilry are The Clapper, the Pocket Fisherman and the TV show ALF.

2. You have Paranoid Schizophrenia. I do not think this is the case with your idea but did you ever see A Beautiful Mind with Russel Crow? He had lots of ideas. Do you own a white oil pencil and write your ideas on your living room window? If you do, you might want to get professional help the next time the voices in your head give you some million dollar idea. But first, call me and tell me the idea. I do not have any oil pencils and I can "hold on" to your idea, just in case you end up getting some sort of treatment that keeps you tied up for a while.

3. You had an Epiphany. An epiphany is a sudden awareness. Since this is all new to you, you are probably unaware that each year around this time, people around the world start having really good ideas. It is all because of the birth of Jesus. It's true. The church celebrates the season of Epiphany starting early January. It is a way of remembering the Wise Men who came to visit the baby Jesus (they were "aware" of his birth). If you are having good ideas, it must be due to this wonderful church celebration. But you also need to be aware that if you are Roman Catholic, the season only lasts until January 13. In truth, it is surprising so many Catholics have so many good ideas. They have a very short window of creativity. If you are raised in the Church of England, you get nearly an entire month. Their Season of Awareness runs until early February. One of the primary reasons I'm Protestant is because, for me and a few other faithful people around the world, the Epiphany Season lasts until Ash Wednesday. I get a lot of my best ideas in these first three months of the year. After that, not so much.

Of course, these are only a few of the reasons you may have received your ideal wake up call. There are many more. I can't go into them all right here but you may also be able to credit your Million Dollar Idea to something as simple as eating late at night. Although, I would bet it is due to parasites in your brain or alien abduction. Again, if you call me we can go into greater depth on my thoughts on this matter.

Either way, it is important to cover all your bases. Say lots of prayers, keep your eyes to the skies and put out gummy bears and cheddar cheese for the Idea Pixies...just in case.

The Slow Goodbye

My dog, Chip is getting old. He was born in the summer of 1998 and came to live with our family when he was just a pup. What a fun day.

But the fun was short-lived. Over the next 18 months, he ate everything. He ate flip-flops and shoes, food off the table and trash in the closet, dry spaghetti and molasses out of a box in the yard, carpet and tile, bags of dog food and worst of all, my daughter's hamster, Flower (no kidding). That might have been the low point in his young life.

At the ripe age of two, he changed. He stopped eating household items when our back was turned. He no longer ate other family pets. He became a team player. He became a very good friend.

But the years have passed and the dog has aged. Over the past few months, I've watched his body slowly break down. He can't walk as far. He has difficulty getting off the floor. He struggles after a good romp in the back yard. He twitches furiously when he sleeps and he moans with each deep breath. We've given him pain medicine but that just causes him to sleep more. He's become an old dog right before my eyes. His life is coming to an end much faster than I expected.

But he is a Black Lab and one thing hasn't changed: his love of food. He can be in a sound sleep, a deep slumber, groaning and twitching through a dream but make a move for the dog food bin and his tail thumps out a rhythm of joy on the living room floor. The body is weak but the spirit is fully alive!

It won't be long, I know but my good friend will live forever in my heart. Good boy. Good boy.

Christmas Shopping Advice

Dear Austin's Acre,

Christmas is just around the corner and I am running out of time and ideas. In the past you have offered some advice on purchasing gifts for family and friends. To be honest, the advice was questionable at best. But I am desperate. Any ideas?

Signed,

Too Lazy To Care.


Dear Lazy.

First, let me address your unfortunate name. I work at a law firm and I think someone there can help you change the moniker if you wish. You will never be able to get a job with a name like Lazy. Why not think about a name like Larry? It will have the same ring. If you want to keep your last names, I would suggest something snappy like Too Hard Working or Too Sexy. These will either get you a job or a date.

Now on to your concern about gifts: Yes, it is late in the season but several items remain on the shelves that are perfect for your loved ones. I think you will appreciate these simple shopping tips.

BULK SHOPPING: Shopping for extended family is always difficult. There are so many items to choose from and so many people to buy for. My family alone has 127 people. My wife's family has 34 members. With something like 161 gifts to buy, a shopper needs a strategy. Here is a tip I learned a long time ago: I always go to the end of the isle when I'm in the store and buy two or more of everything. If I buy two Chuck Norris movies, I can give one to Anita's Uncle Fred, and my 10-year-old nephew Gill. Each one thinks that I've spent hours looking for that perfect gift just for them, when in fact, I've spent 15 seconds picking out one crummy gift and checked two people off my list. This also works for air fresheners for Anita’s mother that we see all the time and my Sister-In-Law, Jillian from Texas that we see once a year.

ONE STOP SHOPPING: DO NOT VISIT SPECIALTY STORES! You are interested in volume and speed. Multiple stores result in increased time and energy. Go to one store that sells everything. Do not leave until your list is complete. A good place to shop is the Dollar Store or Dollar General. They have everything: Backscratchers, laundry baskets, desk lights and dish soap. They have diaries and diapers, batteries and bubble gum, cans of soup and wood working clamps. There are music boxes and maxipads, CD’s and cat food, 2 liters and toothpicks. If you cannot find the perfect gift for the ones you love in this store then you are trying too hard.

PRICE FIXING: With today's technology, you can easily create and print new price stickers for the 161 items you just purchased. A gift that you purchased for $1.09 is now $10.99 and no one is the wiser. Take the necessary time to change the values on different presents. If every present is $10.99, someone might get suspicious. In addition, everyone knows that a quart of oil is about $4.00. Do not mark that up to $14.99. You will not fool anyone and those you do snooker will just think you are stupid for paying that much for oil.

GIFT CARDS: There has never been a better time to take advantage of great gifts and the people you give them to. Gift cards are everywhere and available for everything. You can easily fill all your shopping needs by picking up cards for everything from dinner to doughnuts, groceries to gasoline, bail bonds or Bibles, pork loin and pickles. Often you can find these cards in a display at the same store. But buying 161 gift cards at $20 each will cost like...$100. That’s a lot and who has that kind of money? The beauty of gift cards it that you can put any dollar amount on them. I always budget $1.50 per card. Here is the trick...I spend $1.50 but I write $25 on the cardholder in the Amount section. This way, people get the warm feeling of receiving a $25 gift for something they really want and you get the warmth of spending as little as possible on something they will never get. Believe me, no one ever questions the value of the card. If they do raise a concern, it is usually months later after they've tried to spend it. At this point in time, you can mutter something under your breath about the small print, evaporating values, or how you knew the girl at the checkout counter was going to mess that up. Use phrases like, "Those crooks took my money!", or "There needs to be Congressional oversight on this industry!", or "I'm never getting my gift cards at THAT store again!" They will be convinced.

CAUTIONS:
1. Chuck Norris movies do not work for everyone. I only used this as an example. However, everyone loves the Rambo movies and Rocky I, Rocky II, Rocky III, Rocky V, Rocky VI. Skip Rockies IV and VII because they were just stupid.

2. Use caution when buying maxipads as Christmas gifts. If you give this gift at the wrong time or to the wrong person, you will never hear the end of it.

3. When increasing the value of a present, do not attempt to replicate bar codes. It is not possible and there are federal laws prohibiting this practice.

4. Along those same lines, do NOT try to change the store name to impress your family. You are allowed to bump up one level but never more than this. For example, if you bought the gift at Dollar General, you can upgrade to Walmart. If you bought the gift at Walmart, you can upgrade to Target. If you bought the gift at Target, you can change the name to Kohl’s. After that, you are on your own. I don’t shop anywhere else so I don’t know what comes after Kohl’s.

5. Do not purchase gift cards that allow the holder to call a toll-free number to check their balance. After the first or second year, family members get wise and will not leave the party until they've made the call. There isn't any reason to ruin anyone's Christmas cheer with the truth.

Well, Lazy, Lucky, Larry, LuLu, whatever...These pointers may just help you find that perfect gift for the masses. I wish you luck and a very merry Christmas.

You Like Me...You Really Like Me

It is a proud moment for me and I humbly accept this great honor.

It was a long season and I want to thank all my competitors. Without you, I wouldn't be in first place right now and couldn't have won this beautify trophy. Without you, I wouldn't have won the dex Gaming Fantasy Football League, More Pie Please Division.

Sure, I easily went 8-0 and that first loss was heart-breaking but I got back on my horse and won again the next week.

At 9-1, I felt that I was taking all the fun out of the sport for the rest of my fine co-players and threw the next three games. I'd already locked up a playoff position, won my division (More Meat Please) and could sit back in the comfort of my easy chair and watch the remaining players' unfolding strategies. I was especially interested in the More Pie Please Division's games which seemed distant and odd but in a fun sort of way, like watching your uncle Ed eat that 4th piece of pie. You wonder how he does it and are those his arteries you hear crying out each cheese cake loaded, whip creamed bite, their tiny little voices all screaming for help with one cholesterol clogged plea for help?

With the division win, came the first round playoff bye. I was concerned that I might lose my touch, after so many weeks of allowing others to win. I'll be honest, I thought I may have made a mistake in my game plan as I watched my kicker, David Akers have to work all by himself on Monday night. But David understood my predicament and came to my rescue, giving the Noblesville Migraines the two points to lock in another win.

After that victory, I was convinced that winning the final match would be no problem.

While it was Jonathan and his Healers who gave me the final victory, I want to thank you all for making it possible. Without you all I could never win so easily and win so BIG.

I vow to you that I will not gloat throughout the postseason, next year's preseason or during the 2009-2010 live draft. I also promise to keep this fine trophy in a safe place. Having won it last year and again this year, and confident of more victories in the many seasons to come, I built a trophy cabinet as a home for this beautiful award (It also holds my 2nd place Choral & Ensemble Red Ribbon from 1982, my 1st place 4H Pullet trophy from 1976, and my boutonniere from my 1981 Prom).

You have all made me very happy. Thank you. Thank you, so much. From the bottom of my little football heart, I say Thank you.

I wish you all the Season's Blessings and a Very Merry Christmas.

Seriously, Merry Christmas

Some people take their decorating VERY seriously. This gentleman's home is in Fishers and every year he broadcasts a soundtrack from his house. Lights dance in beautiful synchronization to the festive selections. Cars park up and down the block, tune in their radios and to enjoy a great holiday show.

The popularity of this recurring holiday home is evident from the number of cars that drive past during this taping. Without a doubt, it is the most popular house in the neighborhood. It is wild and wonderful, all at the same time! I'm sure his neighbors just love him! I know you will.

Merry Christmas.

The Music Man & His Mother

Christmas Thoughts

Amazing, wonderful, magical events fill the Christmas Story. Some are heart-warming and touch the spirit with each new reading: the straw manger, a young mother, a bewildered father. Some events are awe-inspiring, even fantastically unbelievable: A virgin birth, wise men following a distant star, angels appearing in the night sky.

The book of Luke begins with one such story. It is a story that is far from believable and it sets the stage for the greatest story of all.

Luke 1:5 tells of a priest, Zacharias. He is a man with a long, strong lineage that brings to the steps of the Temple. He is awaiting his turn to serve before the great and powerful God. The verse also introduces his wife Elisabeth, who was also from priestly parentage.

The introduction was helpful but it is the next verse that is the focus of the story. This passage heaps the highest praise upon the aunt and uncle of our Lord, Jesus. No other Biblical personality has ever received more lofty words, "They were both righteous before God, walking in all the commandments and ordinances of the Lord blameless".

If you want, you can put that on my tombstone when I am dead and gone.

Luke reports that these two were Righteous: Imagine Innocence. Ponder Perfection. Deliberate Devotion.

Luke explains that they were Blameless: Contemplate Faultless. Consider Correctness. Reflect upon Rightness.

They were holy, living their lives fully dedicated to God’s Word, giving their lives to God’s Law and serving the Lord with Fidelity and Truth. They did no wrong. They were wholesome in both action and thought. They lived lives of adoration and worship: authentic examples of purity.

Elisabeth and Zacharias were people with clean hands and pure hearts.

But what happens next reveals something about the human nature. It opens a small window into the imperfection of character. It shows us that even the Righteous can fall, even the Blameless can falter.

And we’ll talk about that next time...